Friday, November 16, 2012

False Start Friday

It's False Start Friday again.  Go here for  a list of other participants.  I'm going out on a limb here and really embarrassing myself.This is maybe my second attempt at a novel and I didn't have a clue what I was doing, as you can tell by the riveting dialogue.  Still, it's nice because it's shown me how far I've come. 











           
Abigail Bradford hated cantaloupe.  She didn’t like the flavor and she didn’t like the grain of the melon in her mouth.  Yet, here I am in the produce section picking out a cantaloupe.  She thought to herself.  She looked at the beige orbs, trailed her fingertips over the textured rinds, and sighed.   Looking around the produce section Abigail noticed that the pears were on sale and there were lots of nice Fuji apples.  Maybe I should get those instead. But thinking of her mother Abigail knew she had to come home with a cantaloupe or not come home at all.  She walked to the edge of the cantaloupe bin and let her eyes start searching the melons.
“Hello,” Abigail looked up into deep brown eyes.  “ I couldn’t help noticing that you’re choosing a cantaloupe.  Would you mind telling me how you know it's ripe?” 
            Abigail looked around the produce section.  Was he really talking to her?  “Excuse me?”
“I’ve never chosen a cantaloupe before.  I know there’s some trick to it, can you share it with me or do I have to join your cult first?”
“Hu?  Well, I mean, I really don’t belong to a cult, at least not that I’d admit to.” 
“Well, how do you pick yours?”
“I, well, I don’t know.  I don’t really eat Cantaloupe.”
His brow furrowed, “Then why are you buying one?” 
“My mom asked me to pick one up on the way over today.”  She hazarded another look up.  Besides his warm brown eyes he had a great jaw line, firm.”  She looked back down at the fruit and rushed on.  “I was just looking for a pretty one, you know round, good even coloring...” She glanced back at his face and blushed because he hadn’t stopped looking at her.  “But, well, I’m babbling.  Sorry I couldn’t help you.” 
            “How about you help me find a pretty one, then you don’t have to be sorry about it.”
            “Um....O.K. “ she said and tried to tell from his voice if he was laughing at her.  She didn’t dare look him in the face again.  Why, oh why, couldn’t she think of something better to say? 
            “How’s this one? “ He asked
            Well, it’s kind of flat on one side and the color is kind of funny, see how it’s a different color than the rest of them.  Never trust a fruit that is different than the majority.  Really, it’s kind of ugly.”
            “Well, I’ve never really looked at a cantaloupe in that way before.”  He held it up and squinted at it then put it back in the bin.  “So why don’t you like cantaloupe?”  He asked as they picked up the fruit globes turned them over in their hands and then returned them to the bin unexamined.  
            “It’s just not my favorite fruit to eat. I don’t like the flavor, but I love the way it smells.”
            “That’s interesting, you like the smell but not the flavor?  How did that happen?”
            “The smell has good memories associated with it.  It always reminds me of my grandmother’s house.  That’s the only reason.  Really I’m unenthusiastic about melons.”
“So, is here anything else you like about cantaloupe?”
“I like the rind.”
“Most people don’t eat the rind.”
“Not to eat” She was mortified.  What did he think of her?   “I like the texture, the way it feels.”  She needed to distract him; she was starting to sound like a fruit freak.  “Look here’s a pretty one.” 
            She held up a smallish globe.  “Let me see.”  He said and she let it roll into his outstretched hands without touching his fingers.  She noticed that there wasn’t a wedding band, then cursed herself for looking.   He hefted it, feeling the weight and examined it for flat spots.  “Well, It really is a pretty cantaloupe.  Maybe I’ll have to come out of the cantaloupe closet.  My name is Ethan by the way.”  He said holding out his hand.
            “Oh, nice to meet you, Ethan.” She shook his hand then quickly pulled back.  He really had nice hands.
            “And yours is...?”
            “Right, Abigail, Abigail Bradford, sorry.”  They stood there awkwardly for a moment.  “Well, I should get going.”  Abigail said backing away. 
            “I thought you said you needed a cantaloupe?”  He asked raising his eyebrows and one side of his mouth curving up in a smile.  
            “Yeah...I well... gotta go.”  She said again picking up the nearest melon, then turned and fled. 

27 comments:

  1. Oh my! I'm with Abigail. I _hate_ cantaloupes, but like the smell, too. This is a neat start for a romance, if you ask me. ; )

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    1. It was a romance. I guess it would fall into the category of New Adult though they were both out of college. I guess I'm not sure where the lines between genres are.

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  2. What a fun piece! It cracked me up that after all that pontificating about picking a pretty cantaloupe, she ended up grabbing the nearest one and heading for the hills. I agree with Zan. With some tightening up, this could be a neat start for a romance. Just think. When she sees him looking at her in the grocery store, she could say, "Hey! Are you looking at my melons???" (Just kidding.)

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    1. lol, Yea, she just grabbed it and it was a horrible melon.

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  3. This line, 'Really I’m unenthusiastic about melons,' had me smiling with tenderness for Abigail. I am so, so glad you posted this false start, Sara. It makes me like you even more than I already do.

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    1. Well thanks. I thought everyone would just laugh at it.

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  4. Awww... I was hoping this would blossom into love and they would run off together and get married, but now it looks like they cantaloupe...

    And now I'm all melon-choly...

    Get it? "Can't Elope!" "MELON-choly!!!" Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!! Whew, I kill me!

    Sorry... ;^)

    Actually, I like this. Yeah, as you said, the dialogue could use some pruning and tweaking, but the character is very interesting and I like the hints of romance over the produce section. I think this could definitely be a reborn false-start.

    Nice work!

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    1. Lol. I do have about 40K words on this, but it was before I really knew how to plot. Thanks!

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  5. That's kind of a neat little scene. Wish there were guys like that walking around the produce section at my store. :))

    And Chris's "can't elope" comment cracked me up. :P

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    1. Good luck in the produce section! I'll see if I can send him over. :)

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  6. See, that's what I love about reading my old stuff. It shows me how far I've come and it's really encouraging. In your case, though, I don't think you had much to worry about. It's a wonderful excerpt.

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  7. This has a lovely sense of humour to it- I was laughing with you, not at you, Sara, I should add! Thank you for sharing this :-)

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  8. Nice! I think it's good. The dialogue reveals a lot about her- by the way, I chose you in the Miss You Blogfest going on today :)

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    1. Thank you Rose! That is so sweet, I don't know what to say.

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  9. Aw, so sweet. The final word of the piece (chapter?) being "fled" makes it all the funnier.

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  10. I also thought this was really sweet! I was rooting for her--and for him too. :) And I know the feeling--next week I can't walk in the door to my Mom's without bringing her favorite jam from France...

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    1. Lol, I think we all have that sort of thing.

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  11. Cantaloupe is actually growing on me. With ice-cream it's pretty darn good. Hey, Sara, nice scene!

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    1. I still don't like it. Thanks Joylene.

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  12. You are brave. I would never post my older writing. But, you never know, something in this older piece might spur a new idea. I've taken scenes I enjoy or characters I particularly love and added them to newer works.

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    1. That's why I keep my old stuff around. While I couldn't tell their story then I may be able to later when my skill has developed.

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  13. Ha! I love how she accidentally implied that she enjoyed eating the rind. Cute little scene, too bad it didn't go anywhere. I really enjoyed reading it. :)

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  14. Aww, that was fun. Hope he chases her :-)
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

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