Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Split Apart

Wow, what a challenge this week.  You can find the full challenge here.  These are the challenges I completed.

Write a pitch/logline for a book based on the prompts that's less than 100 words. (I wrote the blurb for the book portrayed in the following two  flash fiction pieces.)

Write a flash fiction piece of less than 200 words based on the prompts.  (Mine is 200 exactly and I used all five prompts. It is Andy's piece.)

Write a flash fiction piece less than 200 words about the water pear without using the words "pear", "spoon" or "droplet."  (Again it is exactly 200 words and is Larissa's piece.)


I also completed the added challenges for difficulty:
I completed three activities that were all tied together.
It is not my normal genre
And please feel free to critique.  It's the only way to improve.  

So here you go.


Pitch for Split Apart
When their home was destroyed Larissa and Andy were the only two who made it out alive.  Now separated and stranded on a strange planet where the only rule is “best man wins” they struggle to stay alive.  And if their race is to survive they must find each other again.





Larissa
“That’s what you really are?”  Gwen’s mouth hung open.  I gave a jerky nod.  “You’re made of, like, bubbles of water. And you looked like this fruit.  I don’t remember the name but I saw a picture of one in history class.” 

I didn’t know what she was comparing me to, but I knew she had never seen anything like me before.  There was only one other in existence and I didn’t know where he was.  My heart throbbed and my body shimmered as I started to separate.

Seeing her face I pulled myself together. Literally.  But not exactly the same. I had chosen my image after studying magazines when we first arrived. Later I realized not everyone looked like tall, skeletal girls with more hair than anything else. My body now looked more natural, unnoticeable.  

“Can you turn into anything?”  I let myself divide then come together as a dog, a plant, then a twin of the rabbit hiding under the bush next to me.  Suddenly I was human again and I hit the rabbit with a rock.  

“Dinner.”  We needed the energy if we were to keep searching.  And I would never give up until I found Andy.


Andy
The bridge overhead protected us from the rain.  Mostly.  Mark’s hair was wet.  “How’s your leg?”

I closed my eyes and the skin around the gash on my thigh separated into droplets then came together in an unblemished whole

Leaning back against the rusted bridge support, I pulled out some granola bars. I enjoyed the taste of peanut butter and chocolate.  One of the amazing things I had found since leaving home.  My favorite was the galaxy forming.  I pulled that image out now to replace the one of the starving children digging through garbage for food.  I wasn’t angry that they chased us off. Just grateful Larissa wasn’t among them. 

There was unpleasantness here.  But there was beauty too. Like the boy on the pavilion by the ocean. The joy his father had in playing ball with him.  

And there was Ava.  I remembered her green eyes, full of unshed tears as she told me she loved me and watched me leave on this futile search.  I would never find Larissa. I could only try to find some happiness in my new life.  I wondered if Ava had waited for me as she promised.  I would find out soon. 



Hope you enjoyed.  I'm number 50 here.

50 comments:

  1. this is really interesting - like the characters good job
    #48

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    1. Thanks for reading. I enjoyed yours too.

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  2. Great job! Your pitch is fantastic. I'd def read that book. :D

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    1. Thanks! I've never really tried to write dystopian/sci-fi so I wasn't sure if it was interesting.

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  3. Sounds like my kind of book, Sara. Excellent!

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  4. I expected humans on another planet, not the reverse. Awesome how they can morph into any shape.

    For critique, pitches should be all in present tense. Make it clear that it's aliens on a human planet and not the reverse. The only other improvement would be to say how or why your MC's got separated.

    Your stories are strong with a bit of difficulty telling who is talking that could be cured by paragraph breaks.

    Agents/editors frown on adverbs and passive verbs. You could change "There was only one other in existence" to "Only one other existed", 7 words to 4, and "Suddenly I was human again and I..." to "Taking human form again, I..." 7 words for 5. You don't need "suddenly" in a story with other more necessary adverbs.

    In Andy's story, at first I thought Ava might be his former girl from his own planet, so the word "human" would help. But after I read that she watched him leave on a search, I wondered why he hung around a human girl long enough for her to fall in love if he knew he should be searching.

    I think you should develop this idea because it has a lot of potential in the shape-shifter market. People are getting tired of werewolves and vampires.

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to crit. I really appreciate that. Yea, the pitch is a little vague, I hadn't really planned out the whole book. Sorry about the confusion with speaking and things, I had to cut out a lot of words to get down to 200. Glad you think it has potential. I'll have to add it to the list of maybe someday stories.

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  5. Great pitch! It reminds me of The Most Dangerous Game! I also like your other pieces! Very nice!

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  6. Love the way you tied them all together! And wow, Larissa's ability is such a neat one. I'd definitely read a whole story about these two!

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    1. Thanks, Maybe someday I'll write it.

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  7. I enjoyed the order you posted this in. The pitch, then her than him. It added up nicely!

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    1. Thanks, I was hoping they would build on each other.

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    1. Thanks, I had to cut out so many words.

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  9. Great stories, and I agree with everything Sher A Hart said. You have a very interesting premise in your logline. It would make me read at least a brief synopsis to see where you took the story.

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    1. Thanks. I may have to actually develop a story. :)

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  10. Challenges accomplished are a huge victory! You should be very proud :D

    Great stories! Thanks for sharing.
    Jen

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    1. Thanks Jen, I enjoy spontaneous flash fiction but I'm not very good at it. I need time to percolate and edit, edit, edit.

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  11. Brilliant for doing three of the challenges, they all go together nicely. It would never have occurred to me to turn the water pear into a character. You are highly inventive. I hope they do find each other, but Ava might put a spanner in the works. Great job!

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  12. Fantastic writing here Sara. I loved it all. I love that you made it SciFi also! Very well done. :)

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    1. Thanks. I've read sci-fi but never written it.

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  13. Nicely done ... :)

    In the pitch I would suggest changing 'home' to 'homeland', and 'race' to 'species', to avoid any confusion about differing meanings of those two words.

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    1. Great suggestions. While I've read sci-fi I've never wtitten it. I'm sure I have a lot to learn about writing in that genre. I appreciate the tips from the master of all things sci-fi!

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  14. I'm learning about how important a longline is in that I really should write one before I start my book, lol. Helps keep the focus...

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    1. Lol, as a pantster I never know what the book is about before I write it. Hmmm, maybe that's why I need so much revision....

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  15. This is awesome! I thoroughly enjoyed. :D I didn't even know this was going on, but what a wonderful idea. Yours is great!

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    1. Thaks Leigh, this is a challenge for one of Rach's Blogging Campaigns.

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  16. Oh, really love your pitch! It's amazing what can be conveyed with so few words. Also, I've tagged you for the Lucky 7 Meme over at my blog!

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  17. I know Sher gave you a great critique of your pitch, but I just wanted to say that, apart from her suggestions, I really liked it, (looking at your other comments I'm far from alone in that regard). Very interesting idea, and a great spin on the prompts. Nicely done.

    Kevin, (#19)

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  18. Congratulations! You have been shortlisted to move onto stage two

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  19. Loved the logline. Great entry!
    Melissa Maygrove #14

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  20. You did a fantastic job of using the prompts and incorporating everything in the Challenge. Larissa's and Andy's stories are so interesting and the story pitch makes me want to read more about their situation. Do they find each other to survive? Well done! :)

    BTW, thanks for your kind words on my piece, too. (My Withershins #72 - sometimes Blogspot won't let me comment using my Wordpress ID so I"m using this old persona)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece it was fun to write.

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  21. Enjoyed your story, liked the si-fi feel!

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    1. Thanks, I've never done sci-fi before.

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  22. Wow! You went above &beyond this challenge! Great job!

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  23. Those were awesome takes on the challenges. Great Pear story. Found myself laughing. Nice one! :)

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  24. Wow, you really had a fully realized set of alien characters in those few short pieces. Yours is the first one I've read that tackled activity #5 and I love that the pear was actually an alien in human form.

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    1. Thanks, they were very vivid to me. I actually wrote much longer scenes that had to be cut down.

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